Are Your Boundaries Binding You?

“You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves” -Mary Oliver, Wild Geese

A few years ago after a big life overhaul, I decided I needed to work on my boundaries. They were well thought out, firm, and I worked very hard to abide by them to the letter.

The trouble was, I felt more anxious, not less. I felt more restricted, less free.

As it turns out, I had built a very high, very thick wall around myself. If you wanted to get close, good luck getting past the alligators in the moat. I was judgmental, and locked down.

Before long I realized that these boundaries were making my physical body clench down. From rigid posture, to a clenched jaw, and hands bound in little fists I felt like I was preparing for battle. The question was, for battle against whom?

What are personal boundaries anyway?

The student support site at Stanford puts it very nicely: “Boundaries help determine what is and is not okay in a relationship– whether that be with friends, partners, co-workers, bosses, or family members. Ideally, we put them in place to protect our well-being. They help us to build trust, safety, and respect in relationships.”

I can tell you for certain that I did not feel trusting, safe, and respectful. Least of all within my own body and mind.

My boundaries were created from a place of fear. I was not sleeping, was easily startled, and very much on edge. My inner circle could feel me coming from a mile away. The structure I had created prevented me from engaging in new friendships, from exploring opportunities, and worst of all from connecting with the people I love.

My boundaries needed an overhaul, and soon.

And so with practices I learned in therapy, I went to work on discovering what was out of integrity with my boundaries. What I learned was that the boundaries were not inherently mine.

This is not to say that you should not have personal boundaries in place for your own protection. Back when I was going through this boundary re-evaluation process, I was very much in need of personal protection.

That being said…

Your boundaries should be yours. Created to help you feel free, safe, and vital.

Some questions for your consideration:

• Do you have a core set of personal boundaries?

• Do they make you feel overly restricted, or underprotected?

• How does it feel when your assert your boundaries in everyday interactions versus in situations that require your protection?

If you feel out of alignment with your current boundary framework, here are some tips to help you bring yourself back to YOUR center:

• Your body is smart, so use it. Track the way you feel physically when someone or something pushes up against your boundaries. Use this information to track a pattern of the stimulus and response of your Body Language.

• Knowledge is power. Once you see and experience your own pattern, you can distill that information into wisdom. How? Pause, practice non-judgmental noticing (of course you reacted that way, that was BS), and breathe your nervous system down a few notches to a space where you can think clearly.

• This will begin to create a type of muscle memory where the space between the stimulus and the response will become shorter. This is the development of trust within yourself, and from this space you will feel your boundaries shift toward personal integrity.

Too much, or too little of anything will feel uncomfortable in your body. These awareness practices will help guide you to a place where your inner pendulum won’t need to swing so wide. Your protector mode can be saved, and used for situations when it is actually required. This frees you up to enjoy more of your beautiful life.

*** If you are in an unsafe situation and need immediate help, call 911 or contact Crisis Services in your area. For Niagara County residences you can find help HERE.***

We are being called to do our individual work, but we don’t have to do it alone. It can be done in community. If you are looking for support in this area, I invite you to explore Body Language, my signature digital course program that I created to help you translate the messages of your body. You can find out more HERE.